I choose not to feel
by klaineismylife88
Summary: Set during the 'emotionally compromised' clip. Kirk and Spock have a little heart to heart after Spock beats up Kirk


"You never loved her!" Jim shouted at Spock. And just for a moment he saw all the pain and rage that Spock had locked away, deep in the recesses of his mind. Then of course he got punched in the face. Pain heated his features as his first commander grabbed him by the lapel and threw him over to the side. Jim tried to block with his arms, but Spock was a Vulcan and naturally three times stronger than humans. Another blow landed and he fell back onto the console, Spock's hand holding his throat fast. _Holy shit, he's going to kill me_, he thought as the hand began to constrict his windpipe. It was getting harder to breath and he could see the anger etched into Spock's face as he choked, the sounds ringing in his ears.

"Spock!" rang out a voice from the other side of the room. The Vulcan was breathing heavily as his pointed ears processed the information being sent to them. Jim something in his dark eyes flicker and then Spock released the hold on his throat. He coughed and spluttered, rolling onto his side and taking huge gulps of air. Uhura just stood there, staring at Spock, her eyes wide. Spock stepped away from him, his eyes moving from side to side as he thought. He walked over to Bones who was staring at him in disbelief.

"Doctor, I am no longer fit for duty. I hereby relinquish my command based on the fact that I have been" he paused, taking a breath "emotionally compromised. Please note the time and date in the ship's log". Spock walked away, out of the control room, taking a brief look at Uhura and then disappearing around the corner. Jim got up, frowning. He got closer to his lieutenant who just stared at him, her bright brown eyes had tears in them that she refused to let out. Jim walked out quickly, trying to remember where Spock's quarters were. He caught up to the Vulcan slightly breathlessly

"I'm sorry Spock" the Vulcan's head turned slightly to look at Kirk.

"Come with me. I wish to tell you something" He tapped in the entry code and stepped aside to allow him to enter. Jim paused to take a look at his friend's quarters – they were scrupulously clean and only contained a few pieces of furniture with a large rug covering the middle of the floor. Spock closed the door behind him and motioned for him to sit down on a chair to his right. Jim sat, noticing that the chair wasn't uncomfortable by any means – it was perfectly aligned to support the body. Spock stood opposite, eyes a little unfocused as he concentrated on ordering his thoughts. _I am from Vulcan, I work by logic and my actions were illogical. Sort this out._

"What is it Spock?"

"I do not tell people this often as it is none of their concern and does not usually become relevant to the situation. But since I my….emotional outburst I feel my next statement will be justified" Jim frowned at him. He clenched his fists slightly as he spoke again "I am only half Vulcan. My mother was human" the captain's eyes went wide in realisation as Spock began to pace "I feel human emotions just the same as you do – but I was raced on Vulcan. I saw my entire planet destroyed and I felt anger and sadness so intense it threatened to overwhelm me. So I did what I was always taught to do – I chose not to feel because I don't want to. It…it hurts too much" he frowned, tugging on the tip of one of his ears. Jim just sat there, confused

"But that's what emotions are for" he said, standing up "we need to feel them so that we can grow as people. You have to experience fear and anger and heartbreak"

"When you said earlier that I 'feel nothing'. I chose not to feel, not because I didn't love my family, but because I was, no, I _am_ deeply connected to them" Jim put his hands on the half Vulcan's shoulders, remembering that Spock was a touch telepath and gently pressed his forehead against Spock's concentrating on showing. Spock frowned, unsure of what was happening but let him do it anyway. He closed his eyes for the briefest moment, letting his shoulders sag and lose his composure

"It's ok to feel. I know it hurts but sometimes that's what you have to do. You can't bottle these things up because it will kill you from the inside, and I am not letting that happen to my best science officer" Spock didn't smile at the compliment, he just said

"I accept your apology"


End file.
